My Grandmother died. my heart, my everything. She wasnt grandma, she was mama to me. God blessed me with two moms. Lord, Thank you. She is no longer here. That feels so painful to say. ugh anyway, I find it really uncomforting when others don’t feel that exact gut-wrenching pain that I feel.
I get it though. When people die that I’m not emotionally attached to I send my love and move about my own life, never truly feeling their pain. But this experience is teaching me a lot. It’s teaching me about grieving, how grieving feels and how to care for the grievers. At this point in my grieving stage, I want nothing more than to be surrounded physically by those who truly love me. Yes even with me being a self-proclaimed, “loner.”
I cried all day today, yesterday was about 3 times. Today felt painful for some reason. I thought about my Grandma all day. Closing my eyes to see her face. Inhaling deeply to smell her skin. I know the exact smell of her skin. It has smelled the exact same way since I was a toddler nestled under her chin-stroking her hair and ear. My memories of the most comforting times with my Grandma are vivid. I try to mentally hug them tightly so I never lose them. Some days I’m angry, worried, confused, hurt, and I feel incomplete. I long for her comfort.
She was recently at my house. I envision her in every spot that she was. It saddens me beyond belief. I wish I had stared at her a little longer. I keep begging God to let me see her in my dreams…nothing yet. Every night before she went to bed. I would sit beside her and we would have long talks about her pain, the past, happy times, and things that she only tells me. I find comfort in our little private verbal notes we shared with each other. she doesn’t say they’re secrets but our understandings dance like they were always meant to be partners. I get her and she gets me. Every night she cried in my arms, I assured her that I would do anything for her. She would tell me how she was glad to take care of me, but she didn’t want me taking care of her. I comfort her more, kissed her wet cheek and lifted her legs gently to rest on the bed. Goodnight ma.
But Before our routine, My sons and I prayed with her every night, and she would give God a little praise, cry a little, kiss my oldest and sleep tight… for 3 hours at a time. I was up every 3 hours to check on her and see if she needed to go to the bathroom. She would be so happy when I checked on her, “I’m alright, I’m alright. She would tell me during the day, just make sure you check on me every couple hours and I’ll be fine.” I could tell she just wanted to rest but she didn’t want to be completely alone. So I made sure these two requests collided effortlessly.
I Hear you say in your sweet southern broken dialect, “Eb where Kheyan and Johel?” How Kheyan doing in School? What the kids need? Eb leave’em alone, when they were being rowdy boys. But most of all you gave them the world, just like you have always given me.
I MISS HER
This grief stuff comes in waves. one moment doesn’t look like the other. It’s unpredictable, It’s sometimes a lonely feeling. The feeling is unsure because it’s a pain you can’t take back and apologize for and then it’s all better. You literally have to go through it. I don’t know when I will be ok, all I know is I miss her deeply and I pray she is so happy.
Sometimes I get an uneasy feeling like I didn’t do enough like I wasn’t there enough. I used to call her every single day, then as she got a little sicker we didn’t talk as much. But when we did, we talked and laughed like two ole ladies sitting on the porch on a summer night. Like we used to before she moved out of my childhood home.
By the way ma, I’m glad you love the man I married, although I’m sure you didn’t know if I should get married so young. You always knew how to tell me how you felt without saying a word. I love you for that, always letting me make my own choices.
Above is exactly One Year Before the day you died. I know you where tired, Thank you for fighting for as long as you did. I think I was also getting on your nerves lol.
July 6th, 2019
She died On my Birthday July 6th, 2019. I feel honored, I feel comforted. It’s so special. she was letting me know she was thankful for us. One last gift to let me know, Me and You. She would always say that to me if I ever felt the world was too much. She would say, “now you know it’s always been me and you.” and we get by just fine. So the day before she died, I sang to her Jesus loves you so sweetly in her ear. I then whispered, me and you.” I said I love you ma and thank you. No movement, no reply, only deep breaths as she held on for last family goodbyes and to give me one last gift. The Honorable day of July 6 is a new memory of the majestic dance between Life and Death. Love you forever pretty lady