I have been blessed to have people that are spiritual and not religious in my life. You know, real people with real relationships with God. But one day I notice my relationship with God felt strange to me. It felt like a foreign feeling I didn’t understand. I tried to brush it away but just like something sticky, it wouldn’t go away unless it’s washed.
What does this have to do with grief? How do these two things walk hand in hand? Well, I’ll tell you a piece of that story, but before that, you have to understand what my days look like. Everything is very routine, I pray with my kids and my husband, smile at a picture of my Grandmother that sits by my coffee pot and complete daily task. At night I pray with my kids for bed and do their routine and mine. This is a day full of avoidance and no deep connection with my pain from grief. Of course, I cry and hurt, but every surface feeling has a root from which it grew from. I subconsciously chose to not deal with the anger.
Death Makes You Angry at Everybody
Anger was there, but it was the jealous anger, the anger of no peace. You know what I’m talking about. The anger that occupies the weakest parts of your insecurities. I was mad at my friends because they didn’t feel my pain the way I did. I was mad at my family for every smile they mustered up. Truth is, I did a great job of hiding my pain too. Making sure the loss of my Grandma didn’t overtake me, and that I didn’t directly let it hit me emotionally. Because honestly, I didn’t know if I could handle it or would be able to crawl out of the hole I was sure to fall in. I was angry at every older person still living. I was simply angry for people being able to move on.
Her death and her life replay in my mind constantly. I started to see her in my dreams more, but they would bring me a painful joy. Because one minute I loved seeing her face and the next I was trying to figure out why was she in that dream, why were other people there too. Just a bunch of why questions that brought on mild sadness and confusion. I wanted our time in my dreams to be special and to be just us talking and laughing. I needed that comfort. I needed that peace.
How God Shows Up
That type of standard was supposed to come from God. I was supposed to go before him and lay all my burdens before him. In my preacher’s voice, “Give it to the Lord.” But I didn’t. When I talked to him, it was friendly, never deep but short, like we would break up at any second. It was like a conversation you have with a friend, but not your best friend.
But here is how God never leaves us even when we feel lost. Here is how he cares for the ones that belong to him. Here is how his Grace and Mercy prevails. After months of ignoring our relationship and simply doing the minimum, God began to show me how sovereign he was. I began to notice the way people would cry before the Lord in Joy and in gratitude the way I use to. To cry just because God is. He showed me this over and over until it made me uncomfortable. I wanted my relationship back.
The Root of the Anger
God, how do we reconcile, how do I get back to this place of worship? I began to weep and he said this to me, and I want to share it with you because I believe someone needs to know the, “How”. He said “The reason You don’t feel close is, there is a wall of anger you built that you never pay attention to. You built it, left it and ignored that it even exists. on the other side is me. I’m your comfort, I’m your peace. I’m everything you need. I am Sovereign.” He said, ” You built this wall because you are angry at me, but I know you love me, I know you respect me and I know you were not ready to address the root of your anger.” He then went on to say, “its ok to tell me you’re angry with me, and that you blame me. When you say it, I can begin to heal and fill the void. It’s ok to say it.”
I cried out, “I’m angry at you, I’m so angry.” It was almost instant that I felt a peace I had not felt in a while, I talked to him. It was the first big blow to the wall I had built. The root was, I was angry at God and was scared to acknowledge it. To Be Continued…
God’s Timing is Perfect
I wanted to write this months ago, I had started and stop it many times. I kept saying I want to write this to help others. I wanted to write this to comfort myself but, the sentences felt forced. This time the Holy Spirit was clear, sweet and stern. I picked my head up from my hands, wiped my tears and heard, Write! God reminds me of timing. He reminds me that when we go through things, its not just for us, but it’s the same as throwing a rock in the river and the ripples that are caused by that one impact. I will forever be impacted by the loss of one of the best women to live and I pray that this ripple blesses you in the way God intends.