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The Painful Part
It feels good to hate, so I thought. I’m talking about the kind of hate where you look past a person that’s in your view. Why do I need to forgive them? They add no value to my life. I can do this without them. Those were my thoughts as I let forgiveness exit my heart. It was no longer apart of my vocabulary, I wanted to walk away and throw in the towel. Seems easy enough right? Wrong! Damn why do I even care so much and why do I cry buckets of tears every night? Being emotional is getting old to me. I’m sick to my stomach at my reaction.
An Emotional Mess
These were my emotions times ten, not too long ago. I was thinking and saying things that weren’t normal for me. Curse words are not a part of my normal everyday vocabulary but that’s all I could think about. I was emotional, angry and just plain sad. I remember asking God, How am I supposed to make it through a pain like this. This is literally taking my breath away. Lord what do you want me to do because I won’t forgive this time. My friends don’t get it and quite frankly their advice means nothing to me. They don’t get it and it makes them sound naïve. This was me experiencing so much bottled up anger, I couldn’t see past my own feelings. When I look back on the situation, my friends provided me with nothing but love, I just felt like they didn’t get the way I was feeling it in my heart.
I had a low moment
The pain I was carrying got so heavy I didn’t want to live. I remember sitting in my house in the living room one night just contemplating not living when my son walked in the room. Immediately tears came from my eyes and I thought, “how can I be so selfish?” I hugged my baby and Thanked God for sending me my little angel and got upset all over again because I allowed my self to feel that low. I was thankful God knew just what to do, my children are such a blessing to me. That got my attention and I’m thankful I understood that I needed to redirect my thoughts.
It Does get Better: To Forgive or Not to Forgive
The back and forth with my emotions went on for a while with me trying to get them in order. So I began to talk to God again. This time I was in the shower in tears yet again. But I started singing and praying. That turned in to sobbing and screaming until I said to God what do you want me to do, and how do I get out of this? I then heard God Speak to me in a deep place after months. I know what you are thinking. “Ebony, did you really hear from God?” Yes, I did and I’m sure he was leading me and speaking the whole time, I just wasn’t listening. What I heard from him was more clear than ever. God said to me, to keep praying to him even when it hurts and even when I feel ok. So I did just that, I was consistence in my praying and slowly the pieces started to come together and heal me. Slowly I understood more of who I was and what I wanted. I was on the path to forgive and I opened myself up to hear the lessons that were being taught.
I Chose to Forgive
If I’m honest I didn’t think I would ever get to the point of forgiveness but here I am alive and well to tell my truth and give you what I needed and hopefully something you need. I don’t share this to boast or have you “all up in my bizness lol” But I want to give you insight that you can get through the stage of forgiveness, all you have to do is want it for yourself, not anyone else. Forgiveness for yourself, in my opinion, is the key to peace in your heart
5 Steps to Forgive:
1. Pray until you see change and after that keep praying. God is like talking to your own personal therapist. He will lead you on the way to go even to forgive.
2. Be connected and aware of your emotions, while allowing yourself to feel them and then move on.
3. Never be ashamed to ask for help and be vulnerable, confiding in some one will help you have a moment of release of tension you have been building. I can’t tell you how many times I cried to family and friends about the same story because it just made me feel better.
4. Forgive yourself, sometime we play a role in the outcome of things that happen in our life. We need to learn how to not beat ourselves up Learn from your mistakes do better.
5. Lastly, which was a big one for me, People are who they are and you are who you are. The only person you can control is you, I promise you once you grab ahold of that, your thought process changes for the better. We look at a person’s title and as a society, we automatically assign them a standard in which we think they are to uphold. When that standard is broken we are broken. I had to grow to understand that I am in control of me. I’m the only person that can uphold my standards for myself, This thought process allowed me to help heal me. Forgiveness is proof of the strength of mind and love of heart.
disclaimer: I am not a medical professional and just want to share my personal experience, if you need help in any way, seek it, and don’t wait*